Manga 73 Rangers Whitley Bay May 2005

Tour Review

It all started to go iffy in typical fashion about a week prior to departure. The designated driver (Agi) suddenly had a funeral to go to on the Friday which meant our Governor had to drive, Gaz Harding went AWOL and wasn’t contactable and safe hands Dan had to pull out for work reasons. (His new boss is a bitch and wouldn’t allow him the time off!)

Who was called up to save the day? Our very own Mr Incredible, he saw a discounted bargain and he didn’t let us down.

It turns out Gaz had decided to go to Great Yarmouth with his goonie’ housemates even though he'd already paid for the trip - bizarre.

With Agi now making his own way up and Greg having to catch the train due to his working hours, the bus eventually departed (only an hour and a half behind schedule on a Fri afternoon – cheers Jacko) at 2.45pm with 11 of us excited about the weekend ahead. The excitement soon turned to realisation when we hit traffic on the A1. Many stops, traffic jams and route changes later, we finally arrived at the Rex Hotel on Whitley Bay Front at 8.30pm. It turned out that poor Greg had been let down by Midland Mainline who were on strike. He’d waited on the platform for a while before giving up the chance to come and called Ady to pass on the news. It's fair to say it wasn't the first time he had been let down by the strikers. Agi on the other hand had been there since 5.30, was booked in and ready to hit the town after having met up with our Geordie friends.

A quick change was had and off we went via taxis into Newcastle. With limited time available we reached the Toon by 10ish and then had 3-4 hours of drinking to kill. 3 or 4 bars were frequented with some of the lads on the prowl for some action. Jacko wasted no time and was soon wrapped around a poor unsuspecting lady. It was only when we saw her later that we found out how old she was and as Chris said 'She's old enough to be my Mum'! The baby of our group Ryan had obviously not been affected by his cheeky impromptu poo by the side of the A1 (even though he was caught on camera) as he also swapped some flem with a young lady. We just hope she didn't hold the same hand he'd used to wipe his arse with. Elliott and Trig were constantly followed by a group of 16 year olds and so it was no surprise to see those 2 with a smile on their faces all weekend.

On the way to the final bar over the Tyne Bridge, the lads were beginning to get peckish and decided to stop at the nearest burger van. This had to be the smallest van we had ever seen - newspaper stall size, the 2 venders were wider than the damn thing - and as for the burgers they didn't look up to much. Agi's comment of rat meat wasn't taken in the best of moods by the saleslady (well I say lady) as she started a torrent of abuse at him claiming that there was nothing wrong with her burgers. When Skeemer decided to join in too she continued her abuse at him - it was like being barked at by a rabid dog and the lads were in stitches.

Two of the group ended up bringing 2 young (and I mean young) girls home, while most of us were all tucked up in bed by 2.30am. Oh no… that was just Ady and Chris, who were starting to become very close and there were even rumours they'd pushed the single beds together!
The rest of the boys were drinking into the early hours and after seeing two of our lads heading down to the seas front with these poor girls, the remaining lads decided to go and cramp their style (what style?).

When we got down there, we all looked out to sea only to realise that there was a bloke fully clothed walking out into the sea. Before we knew it we heard this music. It was a TV theme tune and there he was, Elliott Hasselhoff with Pamela Skeemer following closely behind - well probably about half a mile behind. Hasselhoff leapt into action dragging this bloke out of the water with Pamela looking on in admiration. After walking him back to the shore front in true hero style, we all decided 4am was late enough and we hit the sack. Elliott went to bed thankful he'd not had to give mouth to mouth although the lad did seem fitter than either of the two girls still hanging round!

Breakfast was a non-event although most did make it with rumours Danny Marsh had been up at 6.30am for a ‘stroll’ on the beach. We can’t decide if he was home sick or that sharing with Shaft was too much for him. Either way it was strange. The morning was spent walking up to the shop on numerous occasions to top up on water before we decided to go for a quick drink prior to the big match. We were all a little surprised that our match was nearer to Scotland than Whitley Bay but the hangover kept our complaints to a minimum.

The bar chosen by out Geordie mates for our lunchtime hair of the dog was right opposite our hotel and to much delight, they had strippers on in the middle of the bar from 12.30 onwards. Alas we had to leave after the first show as kick-off was at 2.15pm.
What a way to prepare for a game - a fit blond bird getting her parts out and wiggling them in your face. We suggested this should be the norm on a Sunday.

After a 40 minute drive we arrived in Swarland, which seemed like it had been caught in a time warp as there was literally nothing there. However, in typical Geordie style the one thing they did have was a sports complex of good quality and their team was full of keen young Geordie lads who as you know are mad about football. We soon turned their spotless changing room into a stench filled cess pit as the rat burger came back to haunt us. Ecky went through his pre-match ritual of heaving at the smell. It was obvious we would start a little sloppily after the previous night’s action and although we had been close in the first few minutes we were 3-0 down inside half an hour. Kev Skeemer had played well but had no chance with the goals and we struggled to keep possession in very windy conditions. Half time was a god send. Blenco gave his team talk, mainly revolving around making sure we didn’t touch his hernias. In the second half we gave a much better display with Kev making some good saves and us threatening their goal a lot more although we did go 4-0 down before fighting back ourselves.
Somehow, Ady playing at right back managed to score - don’t ask - and Danny Marsh (not just Danny, Danny Marsh!) bagged one too but it was too little too late and we lost 4-2. Elliott won MOM (even though Jacko and Chris had been huge) as he had managed to hit 4 good shots all on target but was unable to score. Where he’d been for the rest of the match, we’re not too sure.
After a warm reception at the golf club and a nice bit of beef stew and chips, we left Swarland with fond memories of a good club and a nice bunch of lads. If we come to the North East next year, we will try to gain revenge for our defeat.
The return to the hotel brought our Champagne moment of the tour. On arrival back in Whitley Bay we were approaching the sea front only to see a group of girls stumbling about in the road about 200 yards ahead. After slowing up towards them and grinding to a halt, one of the girls gave us all a treat by lifting up her top to reveal all. I’ve never heard a group of lads give out such a loud ‘Whey-Hey’. It made our weekend and as the driver being only a few feet away, it was the nearest I came to a pair of tits all weekend (excluding Ryan and Ady).
Whitley Bay was the venue for our last evening’s frivolities and after a shower and a change we hit the town for the England game. Fast food eaterie - Subway had never been so busy with all of us going at least once, the likes of Ryan having 3 on separate occasions. You could even see the match through the pub window from Subway so even football couldn’t stop us eating.
It was a case of ladies beware as the youthful Magna boys went on the prowl. It wasn’t long before Elliott and Jacko had the girls on the go and one seemed particularly keen on getting her arse out, which a few of the lads were more than happy to take the odd picture or two with their phones.
Shaft was further put to shame with his dancing efforts, this time by cool cat Kev, who showed moves we never knew he had. As a result of Shaft’s shananigans, he’ll be allocated the number 15 shirt next season!

After checking out all of the available hot spots of Whitley Bay’s nightlife, we decided a curry was the best option and it was here that the plans began to come into fruition. Agi decided that we couldn’t let the weekend pass without trying to stitch our manager up by throwing him in the sea. We all knew he’d kick off, but with many of us there, he shouldn’t be able to do anything about it. After the curry we decided to go for a wander on the beach. We thought he’d began to suspect us as he started to make his way back to the hotel but as there were 5 or 6 of us already in front of him making our way to the sand, he put his suspicions to the back of his mind and joined us. It was at this point that we all decided to have a group photo as we wanted to get his phone to safety prior to drenching him. No quicker was his phone out of his pocket than Agi and Elliott rugby tackled him. He was screaming like a bitch and the elbows and legs were flailing like Kev in the deep end. Unfortunately the boys had not realised the sea was quite a bit further out than first thought and after 50 yards Agi and Elliott suddenly realised they were the only 2 still daring to try. The gaffer wasn’t impressed and managed to trip Agi, making all three quickly stumbled into a small pool of sea water, drenching Agi, wetting Ady and Elliott seemed to escape unscathed as he was ‘tired’. It was decided enough was enough and the three embraced while walking back to the others who were standing by watching. The job was done, Ady was wet and that was the main intention.
Everyone went back to the hotel in dribs and drabs and we all ended up in one room. Ryan decided he was going to try and be funny by running out of the room and snatching the key / electric token from by the door leaving us in pitch darkness. That was war.
The hunt was on for the baby of the group and after a short time he was found hiding in Ecky and Skeemer’s room. Before we knew it the shower gel and shaving foam were out and it was let battle commence. After dragging him along the corridor by one arm and one leg, he was getting an array of dead arms and legs before we were rudely interrupted by another hotel resident - how rude! The foam and gel war continued until many of the lads were cleaner than they had ever been - result.
After another spell in someone’s room, laughter was heard coming from outside. No it wasn’t Skeemer with his pants down, in fact there was some bloke passed out lying in the middle of the corridor. Well this was much to everyone’s amusement and after covering him with shaving foam from head to toe and leaving him for everyone to step over, he was awaken by the hotel staff and moved on. This summed up the type of clientele staying at the Rex and we all thoroughly enjoyed our stay there.
There was of course time for another Subway in the morning before we hit the road - like a flock of birds - to head back south for the summer. We were back in Leicester in double quick time which made up for the nightmare on the way up.
What a cracking 3 days we had had. Beware Whitely Bay as we will be back there this time next year - this time as Alliance Premier League Champions! (Maybe)
Alex Waite